I should be thankful it's not the toilet paper

Weighty Battles

Me: I dont want to get pregnant because then Ill be fat. 

Husband: I would have the baby if I could.

Me: So when I get pregnant, you have to gain the same amount of weight as I do.

Husband: No way. I dont want to be fat.

Me: It's not fair. Why do I have to be fat? Okay, 1/2 the weight.

Husband: No. I'm not gaining any weight.

Me: Okay then a quarter.

Husband: None.

SO SELFISH.

Baby steps

husband: im trying to be a nice person, like you taught me.

me: oh. and you're doing that by answering a text that your friend sent 3 hours later?

husband: yes.

...we're working on things. social competency is not his strong suit. 

The man himself

free time < blogging

Upon realizing his wife is an artist and can use paintshop pro:

Husband: It's disgusting that you have this amount of time during your work day to do this.

Me: Oh, I did it while you were at the gym.

Husband: Okay, well it's disgusting that you would have this amount of free time at any point in your day.

Guess he doesnt understand that he married an efficient, multitasking, reeses loving, blogging machine. Gotta keep his fans happy and coming back for seconds.  

view 2

maybe we should just get a studio apartment?

who needs a shoe rack?

clearly i put my own shoes away before i took this picture.

Super perceptive

Every time I wear something super old from the back of my closet, my husband says "ohhh is that new?" Without waiting for a response "you went shopping???!?"
....I guess if you call wearing yoga pants from high school "shopping" then yes, yes I did.

Creeper

Husband: need help with your bra again this morning?

Casanova

Me to hubby: can you come here a sec, I need help switching my bra straps.
Comes over and fumbles around for a few minutes.
Me: what are you doing?
Husband: sorry,
I don't have a lot of experience with bras.

Casanova. Ding.

Saturday Morning realizations

This realization is about kids.

Husband: I swear kids have negative attention spans. They lose focus before they start.
Me: so, are you saying we should have kids?

Learned helplessness

Im going to see my bff this weekend so that leaves hubby all alone.

Husband: How am I going to live all weekend? What am I going to do? There will be no food to eat. There will be no one to hang out with...are you bringing Reeses?

tel-addiction

Convo from ths morning

 

me: why'd you get up extra early

husband: so i could go to work early.

me: ...then why are you still here?

husband: the tv had other plans for me.

 

who the eff gets up early to watch tv?!?!?!

True colors

Before going to bed:
Me: I really want to go to the gym in the morning. Please help me.
Husband: okay.

5:11am rolls around. Alarm is sounding.
Me: wahhhhh. should I get up?
Husband: no.

Thanks for the support, life partner.

Massagyny

Husband: Come here for a second.
Me: okay. What?
Husband: will you rub my shoulders for a minute?
Me: fine.
Husband: ughhhh you have nooo idea how good this feels.
Me: you're right. Because you've never rubbed mine.
Husband: oh. Keep going.

Afternoonings

Husband walks by me "studying"...

husband: why are you shopping online when you're supposed to be studying?

Ding. Husband 1: Me: 0

2 minutes later after he finishes his lunch:

husband: whats for dinner?

me: why are you asking me that when you just finished lunch?

husband: im a fat ass.

DING. Tie score. For now. 

Too much Jersey shore

Husband to me: you're looking good today. I like that situation You got going on. That's a nice situation.

Unappreciative of the arts

Husband while watching jersey shore: I Don't get this show. Its a shore house in the summer, its not like she's going to war...Why is Ronnie crying?

We've got ourselves a situation. Wahhhhhhhhh

Guilty and guilty

Who is responsible my husband's learned helplessness: his mother for starting it or me for letting it continue?

Laundry battles

My husband is incapable of taking off his dirty socks and not leaving them inside out. Anyone else have This problem?
When I do laundry should I Just keep them inside out when I fold them? Or refuse to fold them? Please cast your votes.

Silence

Car ride home from the gym.
Me singing along to alanis morissette: youve already won me overrrrerrrrr
husband changes radio station.
Me: wahhhhh(snookie voice) I haven't heard that song in forever. Turn it back.
Husband turns it back.
Me (again in my best whiney alanis voice): you treat me like, im a princess.
Husband changes station again.
Husband: new rule, I decide what we listen to in the morning.

Radio remains off for the rest of the car ride. He's so awkward.

Valentines day

Day before valentines day:

 

husband: did you get me something for valentines day

me: no.

husband: you're lying!!

me: no, I really didnt.

husband: i cant believe you.

me okay.

 

today:...and no gifts were exchanged.

Ipad in bathroom...

Again.

Maids off today

Pile Of husbands stuff I collected from various backs of chairs, couches, and floors throughout our house.

Overhearings

Overheard from the other room:
Husband: reeses, are you getting ready for your calendar photo shoot?

follow up convo: ipad charger

husband: so...you just drove over it thinking "this is what my harvard education tells me to do"...?

me: yes.

husband: you're probably the laziest person i ever met. you didnt want to bend over to unplug it. 

me: true.

husband: your logic for why you drove over it is so long and at no point do you stop and realize it doesnt make sense.

me: oh. 

Rock, paper, scissor, ipad charger

...this post is not yet something that my husband has said or done, but rather the foreground for whats to come. Today, I was performing my housewife skills by vacuuming the rugs. I saw my husbands ipad charger but in my head i thought, well scissor beats paper, but paper beats rock, and rock beats scissor, so my vacuum could overcome the ipad charger.

Wrong. 

I'm going to be in trouble. Ipad charger beats vacuum. and then after it gets stuck in the vacuum, vacuum beats ipad charger. so two wins.  #LIFELESSON

Fwd: FW: Neighborhood Map For Felons....

Who said chivalry is dead? My husband has a primitive instinct to protect the woman he loves....by sending me a map of the felons in the area.
WOMP.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Smith, Justin
Date: Mon, Feb 7, 2011 at 11:27 AM
Subject: FW: Neighborhood Map For Felons.....
To: Noelle Smith <noelle.bassi@gmail.com>

Look at this.

http://www.felonspy.com/search.html

Typical flow

Me: Will you walk baby?
Husband: yes.
Pause.
Husband: will you empty the dishwasher?
Me: no.

self-controlability-less or self-controlless?

Husband: You're being a very bad wife right now.

Me: Oh yah? How?

Husband: Yes. By continuing to let me eat these.

*Hands me what is left of the bag of Hint of Lime Tostidos*

Husband: Here. Smash these or get rid of them.

Self control. Not a strong suit. 

Cheat Schmeat

Me: Let's go to the movies. 

Husband: Going to studio movie grill is like asking me to cheat.

Oh really? Asking him to go to a movie is apparently asking him to cheat on his diet? 

Santa Came!

Snow day: Husband is like Christmas: Kid

 

Husband: What should we do all day?

Me: I don't know.

 

2 minutes later.

Husband: Can you ask Erica (my sister) if Ryan(brother in law) can come over to play playstation?

 

The Invention of Reality

This blog is evidence for the ridiculous things my husband says and does. Some things are so outrageous it will be hard to believe they are true. But they are. Get excited.

Upon seeing my new blog:
Husband: "New blog? Oh, its called shit my husband says and does? Yayyyyyyyyyy. Should I give you good material?"

5 minutes later.
Husband: "I'm excited to read about shit that I say and do"

2 minutes later.
Husband: "People are going to like this one. They are excited to hear how hard my life is"

...the entire time I sat quietly unresponsive to his ridiculousness.